Writing my book, and working through it like any other reader would, has been incredibly insightful and illuminating. I can feel myself growing and changing as I start to really understand who I am, who I want to be, and how to get there.

Part of that change is grappling with the idea that for much of my life I have hidden who I am, more worried about how other people rate me than if I’m actually leading my best life. It’s embarrassing to admit that there are very few situations in real life where I would call myself, for example, an investor. That kind of imposter syndrome is so common in women, but even knowing it, naming it, I’m still not sure I could do it!

But here in this space, at least, I can own it: I am an investor! I have a budget and I make sure that at least some of my pay check goes towards some short-term savings and some long-term savings. This is quite exciting for me because I did not learn this stuff as a young person. My parents did not pass on any financial guidance, and didn’t give us a regular pocket money budget to learn from. This is now extremely important to me as a parent.

I love the content on Friends that Invest (formerly Girls that Invest) but I have to be honest: I haven’t actually read the book. I’ve read other books, and a lot of online content, including a lot of Mary Holm who I rate very highly.

Even some of these authors would agree that investing is not complex enough to fill a whole book. Harold Pollack became known as “the index card guy” after saying in an interview that “the best financial advice for most people fits on a single index card.” Hilariously, he still decided to cash in and co-author a book called The Index Card: Why Personal Finance Doesn’t Have to Be Complicated. Ironic much?

Outside of KiwiSaver, Aotearoa’s retirement saving scheme, my investing journey began in my 20s, and started out as an example of what not to do! My ex-husband and I decided it would be cool to be part of the IPO for a burger chain we loved and the outlay was only $1000. We didn’t own a house, we didn’t have a rainy day fund, and picked one extremely high risk stock. We sold the shares when we separated, and didn’t end up losing any money but that was only dumb luck. That investment goes against all of my investing guidelines these days.

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1. Pay down debt as fast as you can, including your mortgage. No investment will consistently return enough to better the equivalent of your mortgage rate + tax.

2. Build up a decent rainy day fund that is easily accessible before you start investing.

3. Max out any investment that gets you a contribution from the government and/or your employer.

4. Never try and pick individual stocks, always go for an index fund or ETF.

5. Never try and pick when stocks are up or down, just drip feed your money into your investment and the highs and lows will all balance out over time (the technical term for this is “stock price averaging”).

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t always follow my own guidelines. Sometimes, other values that are important to me supersede my desire to maximise my financials.

Supporting local

I returned to investing at age 37 when I realised my KiwiSaver fund didn’t include any NZ stocks. At this point I still didn’t *get it* and selected some individual stocks based on (ok this is embarrassing) how cheap they were and whether I’d heard of them. Good grief! But it was important to me that my investment supported the NZ economy rather than solely owning Australian and American stocks because they had the best returns. I’ve since sold most of my single company shares but I’ve hung on to a couple as I don’t want to realise the loss.

Independence

I really like being able to take charge of my finances and have something all of my own. It’s important to me that I don’t rely on someone else to know this stuff for me. It’s great to pay down a mortgage but it’s very passive, and I share it with my husband.

Growth and learning

I didn’t want to wait until our mortgage was paid off to start learning about shares. When I was on maternity leave again at age 39 I sold some shares and made $800. It felt awesome, especially to be able to do that at a time when I didn’t have a regular income of my own.

Fairness and social responsibility

Financial settings in Aotearoa are such that buying a second (or third, or tenth) house is the most common route to growing wealth. But I don’t want to buy a rental property when so many people can’t afford a first home. I don’t want to benefit from a system that disadvantages others, or contribute to that struggle. Financially, this is probably a really dumb choice.

Flexibility and choice

We have chosen to stay in the house we bought 12 years ago. We could have upgraded to a better house or a better school zone, like a lot of people do, but we chose to demolish our mortgage instead. We kept our debt low enough that we had the choice for me to take a full year of maternity leave, because that was important to us. This is also part of the reason we haven’t bought a second property - we’re just not comfortable with that level of debt and how that would lock us into a particular trajectory.

My current approach

We still have a mortgage but it’s not massive. I feel comfortable having a small amount of my money doing other things. We do have a rainy day fund now, but we didn’t when I first opened my Sharesies account.

As well as my 4% KiwiSaver contribution, I have a portfolio with Sharesies that I invest in regularly. Sometimes I’ll pause my auto payment for a few months when things feel tight, or we have a holiday coming up. The amount changes all the time. But Sharesies has this great feature where you can allocate your investment by percentage, so that you can easily spread your investment no matter how small your contribution. Electronically Traded Funds such as Smart Invest make it incredibly easy to spread your risk, and I invest in eight different ETFs. This means my investment is spread across dozens of different companies. I also indirectly own some property, which makes me feel better about our choice not to buy a rental property.

We probably will invest in residential property at some point, but it will be driven by wanting to ensure our four children have secure housing as adults, rather than growing our wealth. And trying to influence (Bribe? Manipulate? 🤣) them to live close to us.

Or maybe we’ll sell up and move to Australia. Who even knows how their life is going to go? But whatever we choose to do, I want to make sure I manage my finances in a way that aligns with my values and supports me to live whatever life I choose.

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When I emerged the next morning they were very apologetic. Did you hear us last night? Sorry, did we keep you up? Thanks for being chill.

Chill? Well! Thanks, I love it when the gang thinks I’m cool, but sadly the reality is much less cool. It was after 11, I was asleep, and I am the absolute BEST at sleeping.

When I was a baby I had two older brothers and my parents never tried to create a quiet sleep environment. I just rolled with it. One time the neighbour was mowing the lawn and a stone broke the window right next to where I was sleeping in my crib. My parents came rushing in to find broken glass all over me but I was still sound asleep.

I tell people I’m really good at sleeping like it’s a joke but I’m dead serious. Do you know how incredibly precious it is to never suffer insomnia? To consistently put your head on the pillow and be asleep in moments? To be able to sleep in when your body needs more sleep?

Of course, having children has meant I didn’t always get all the sleep I wanted. But I chose to keep my babies in bed with me so at least I didn’t have to get out of bed when they woke me up.

But every silver lining has its cloud, right? I organise my life to get 8 hours of sleep, but I actually need 9. I am so incredibly sensitive to caffeine that even a cup of tea after 2pm can stop me from sleeping. I’m resentful about never getting evenings to myself because I need to be asleep (sometimes I am asleep before all of the kids).

Last week, I was so tired that I fell asleep putting the toddler to sleep. The cheeky little blighter took himself down the hall, played with his toys for a while longer, then put himself to sleep. How do I know? Because I woke up at 5am wondering where the hell he was - whoops! Not my best parenting moment but thank goodness it worked out okay.

Does this happen to other people? I’m not sure how to tackle the problem of me having eyes that just close for business at a certain time, while being responsible for children who take after their dad and are night owls.

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But - much like sport - somewhere along the way I received the message loud and clear that you should only do things you are good at.

I stopped writing for fun. I stopped singing where anyone could hear me. I wasn’t good enough to keep playing the sax. I didn’t make a conscious choice to stop, but I thought only some people were “creative types”, and I was not one of them.

After I had kids, I started to dabble. A photo album here, an edited home movie there, a beautifully decorated cake once in a while. One day a screenplay came to me in a dream, fully formed (I hope one day I will have the chance to share it with the world). And last year I started writing my book. I’ll happily claim “creator” as part of my identity now.

The Saddest Research

I recently heard about research on our creative identities that stopped me in my tracks. It turns out it wasn’t just me.

A NASA-funded study found that 98% of five-year-olds scored at “genius level” on tests measuring creative potential. By age ten, that number dropped to 30%. By age fifteen, just 12%. And in adulthood? Only 2%.

This isn’t a a story about ability. It’s a story about our beliefs, and about the messages we take on as we grow up.

There’s even a name for the dip: the “fourth-grade slump.” Around age 8 or 9, as school becomes more focused on right answers and less on imagination, children’s creative confidence takes a nosedive. We begin to internalise a message many never unlearn: creativity is for other people.

That was me. And maybe it was you, too.

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Redefining Creativity

For a long time, I thought that in order to see yourself as creative you needed the world to recognise it too. Have people buy tickets to your concert, purchase your paintings, or attend your shows.

But I’ve come to understand that creativity is broader and deeper than that. It’s how you make meaning. How you find flow. How you connect ideas. How you share your insides with those on the outside.

If you were a creative child (and weren’t we all?) you can be a creative adult. That spark didn’t vanish. It just got buried under expectations, productivity, and years of only participating in things you were already confident in.

Have you recently rediscovered a passion for creating? Share in the comments!

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🌌 Star sign: Taurus with something-or-other rising

🐷 Chinese Zodiac: Year of the Pig

🎲 D&D alignment: chaotic good

💌 Love language: acts of service, especially when they involve snacks

🎀 Attachment style: Extremely anxious, with monthly bouts of “I never wanna see you again, but also validate me constantly”

🍁 If I were a season: Autumn (but with spring allergies)

🍏 If I were a fruit: An apple

🎶 Music streamer: Apple Music, never spotify

☕️ I drink my tea with oat milk because I don’t tolerate milk that well, but I’ll take everything with whipped cream

🍨 Favourite ice-cream flavour: french vanilla (see above)

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And I like my toilet paper hung the correct way.

Is this a complete portrait of who I am?

No.

Is it helpful? Also no.

But is it accurate in a deeply spiritual, kind of ridiculous way?

Absolutely.

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Elaine Welteroth’s book More Than Enough was published in 2019 but I discovered it (and her) recently as part of my quest to read more widely about the facets of identity I wrote about in my book, and to learn from women with different backgrounds and perspectives than my own.

First off, I must confess that I have never picked up a copy of Teen Vogue, and it was not on my radar at all when I was a teenager. As a New Zealander my go to’s were Girlfriend and Dolly magazines - I even got my picture in Girlfriend once when I was at the very front of the audience for Smokefree Rockquest.

No, I was much older than a teenager when Teen Vogue first came to my attention, and I remember it clearly because it was during the pandemic.

Teen Vogue found a whole new audience during this time, far beyond its appeal as a fashion magazine. Its regular online articles and Facebook posts leaned into social justice and political commentary on public health inequities, racial disparities in COVID outcomes, and critiques of capitalism and government inaction. Through a Gen Z lens, Teen Vogue gave readers not only beauty tips for Zoom life but also sharp commentary on Medicare for All, economic injustice, and voter mobilization.

What set Teen Vogue apart was how naturally it linked the pandemic to broader systems of inequality. It wasn’t just reporting on COVID; it was contextualising it within the lived realities of young people - especially marginalised ones - and encouraging political awareness and action. While some critics dismissed its activist tone, others praised its ability to meet teens and young adults where they were: online, anxious, angry, and hungry for something more honest than mainstream news was offering.

I also really really like their articles like this one on the anatomy of the penis that share factual information that so many of our teenagers cannot get from their parents or school. There was stuff in here that even I didn’t know! I sent it to my daughter and she was like, ew, but read the whole thing.

This was all the context I had when I started reading, although by the end of the book I learned that while Elaine Welteroth was a big part of the magazine’s activist approach, she had actually moved on before covid hit.

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This book was exactly what I wanted: an insight into the life and identity of someone completely different than me. Although we did have something in common as well. I was delighted that Welteroth copped to having made her “bad” school choice because of a boy. She could have created a whole narrative around why she chose that school, but she was honest and I appreciate that. I made a lot of life choices because of boys I didn’t love myself enough between the ages of 15 and 23 yesterday that I wouldn’t necessarily stand behind now; it’s nice to see a successful woman acknowledging that there were some major bumps along the road.

Welteroth introduced me to the concept of “F.O.D.”

Shonda Rhimes first talked publicly about being a “First. Only. Different.” in her 2014 book Year of Yes.

In the book, she reflects on how being the first Black woman (or the only woman, or the only person of color) in many professional spaces shaped her identity and experience in Hollywood. The F.O.D. concept captures the feeling of being hyper-visible, expected to represent an entire group, and often under extra scrutiny.

"No matter how much you try to blend in, your race walks into every room before you do." - Elaine Welteroth

Success = opportunities + talent

So many rich white people get incredible opportunities and never make anything of them. And so many people have incredible talent but never get the opportunity to shine where it counts.

Elaine Welteroth came from a very ordinary background, with a couple of good connections. But damn, the girl knew what to do when it counted!

As soon as I heard everyone start shouting, "Talib, Talib!!" I cut through the crowd like a hot knife through butter. I walked right up to my subject, introduced myself, and calmly, without skipping a beat, whipped my head around to my crew and said, "Let's go." Lights. Camera. Action. I asked my questions in a conversational manner, as if the cameras weren't there, and as we closed out, Talib shook my hand and said, "Good to meet you."

AS AN INTERN. 19 YEARS OLD.

The book ends with Welteroth leaving Conde Nast in 2018, but since then she has built an incredible career spanning authorship, media, and advocacy. She became a judge and producer on Project Runway, and briefly co-hosted The Talk on CBS. She created a MasterClass called Designing Your Career, sharing her insights on purpose-driven work and navigating imposter syndrome. Through her columns in The Washington Post and contributions to Time and The New York Times, she’s continued using storytelling to empower young professionals, especially women of colour.

Welteroth now has two sons, born in 2022 and 2024, so is definitely in the thick of it right now. I guarantee she is one to watch and over the next few years is going to have an incredible impact.

Do you love fashion? Was Elaine Welteroth on your radar before now?

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‘Jogging’ and ‘running’ describe the same basic activity: moving faster than a walk. But somewhere along the line, jogging picked up a whiff of something unserious, outdated, or even slightly embarrassing. Say you’re a runner and people nod with respect. Say you’re a jogger and you might get a condescending smile at best.

I am comfortable calling myself a runner now but I wasn’t always. Jogging definitely felt like something easier to claim, and for many people probably seems more accurate. But I no longer care what other people think, thank goodness.

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These two photos show me (well, my disembodied legs):

1. Running a half marathon (21km) in 2 hours 15 minutes, at the peak of my physical prowess, and weighing at least 20kg less than I do now.

2. Running a 7km trail run in 1 hour 15 minutes.

In both photos my body is doing the same thing: moving faster than a walk.

The point is, you can call me what you like. It only matters what I call myself.

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So, like any self-respecting midlifer with a browser history full of self-help, I turned to personality tests. All of them. The classics, the corporate staples, the slightly culty ones. If there’s a test that promises to reveal the Real Me™️ in 20 minutes or less, I’ve clicked it. Here’s what each one revealed.

DISC Personality Profile: "Persuasive Leader"

I scored 38% Dominance, 38% Influence, 19% Steadiness, 5% Compliance.

I’m an assertive, people-oriented person who values momentum, connection, and autonomy. I naturally lean into leadership, am energised by ideas and collaboration, and tend to focus on the big picture over the finer details.

I’m comfortable taking initiative and bringing others along, but I can get impatient with routine or overly structured environments. Rules feel flexible. If something isn't working, I'm likely to adapt quickly (or just redesign the system entirely).

This helped me see that my restlessness isn’t a flaw, but a signal of how I’m wired. I’m most alive when I’m leading something meaningful and surrounded by people who want to move forward, not stay still.

I’m ok with that. Five stars - bang on.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Myers-Briggs: ENFJ – The Protagonist

Yes, that’s right, I’m the main character - Myers-Briggs says so.

But not the cool, brooding antihero. No, I’m the inspiring but overly-idealistic one who joins every committee and takes on every cause but then starts to get tired. I will lovingly nudge you toward your potential (i.e. joining me on the school board) while simultaneously spiralling about whether I’m being too pushy.

I’ve taken this one several times, and ENFJ comes up consistently. It describes someone who is:

• Empathetic and people-focused

• Visionary and motivated by purpose

• Skilled at rallying others around ideas or causes

• Deeply attuned to group dynamics

The shadow side? Burnout from overgiving. A tendency to overfunction, to carry emotional weight for others, and to place my sense of worth in being needed.

The weaknesses this test identified were scarily on point. 3 stars, I don’t want to hear it.

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Enneagram: Type 2 with a 3 Wing – The Helper with Drive

YIKES!

This one hits hard. As a Type Two I need you to need me. But with a Three wing, I also want you to admire how impressively I serve you. I’ll bring you soup when you’re sick and also casually mention that I made it from scratch during my lunch break between meetings.

At my best, I’m generous, warm, and outward-facing. I intuit what others need and often move quickly to meet it. But underneath that, there’s sometimes an anxiety: am I still worthy if I’m not useful?

The Enneagram doesn’t flatter; it invites awareness. And for me, that awareness has been illuminating.

I’ll give this one 4 stars - I don’t feel good, but I feel seen.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Big Five: Extroverted, Emotionally Sensitive, Curious

Of all the tests, this one felt the most clinical—but also the most objective. Here’s how I scored:

• High in Extroversion: I thrive on social energy, connection, and shared experiences.

• Low in Emotional Stability: I feel things intensely. That’s not always easy, but it’s honest.

• High in Agreeableness: I want harmony. I want others to feel safe and understood.

• Moderate in Conscientiousness: I care about follow-through, but I can get distracted by new ideas.

• High in Intellect/Imagination: My mind is always turning over possibilities. I live in the future as much as the present.

This profile helped me feel less alone in my contradictions: extroverted but easily overstimulated. Warm and collaborative, yet prone to self-doubt. Organised at times, yet often scattered by creative momentum.

I give this one 4 stars - it’s bang on, but it doesn’t give me a lot to work with.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

So who am I, really?

I’ve learned that I’m driven by relationships and purpose. That I move fast, feel deeply, and often give more than I realise. That I can be both a leader and a people-pleaser, both visionary and vulnerable.

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I also learned that identity isn’t static—it shifts, softens, and sharpens depending on the context.

These frameworks didn’t give me a final answer, but they did offer a new way of understanding myself with more grace - and maybe more curiosity too. And most importantly, they gave me permission to be exactly as intense, soft-hearted, and weirdly specific as I am.

Have you taken a personality test that totally nailed you—or hilariously didn’t? Hit reply and tell me your type, sign, archetype, or Hogwarts house. No judgment (unless you’re a Capricorn sun with a Virgo moon—then I’m intimidated and also please organise my life).

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I used to watch scary movies when I was younger. I’ve seen a Saw movie, and I watched 28 Days Later AND 28 Weeks Later when they came out. But now? I can’t even stomach watching The Handmaid’s Tale, even though I thought the final episode of Season 2 was the best episode of television I have ever seen.

It might be because I’m still breastfeeding? I always feel like my defences are down when I’m pregnant or breastfeeding; I mean, I’m sure all of us who have been pregnant can relate to the random tears brought on by that fun cocktail of hormones.

Or it might be because I’ve changed who I’m making decisions for. I’m always interested when I see a change in myself to think about if it’s been driven internally or externally. For example, I used to think I was a cut and dry extrovert. Always socialising, always drinking, never wanting to be left out of anything. In retrospect I can recognise that I was never extroverted, I just couldn’t gain other people’s approval when I was alone (and I craved it constantly).

The working from home opportunities I have experienced post-covid have been an absolute revelation. Up until that point I barely had any time alone in my house. My husband would take the kids out pretty regularly but with three and then four kids, there always seemed to be a straggler left at home or being dropped off at some point during my alone time. Now? I have hours and hours alone in my home every week. I’m no longer desperate for anyone else’s approval and I notice the stress in my body when I have been “people facing” for too much of the day or week.

And what about horror movies? Did I just watch them because everyone else was and I wanted to be a ‘cool girl’? Probably. I certainly can’t name a horror movie that I would want to watch again. Am I still trying to be a cool girl? Again, probably. is my hero! I love her recommendations! And my husband is a total horror connoisseur - I guess deep down I just wanted to be the kind of person who can enjoy something scary. But that’s what my work is all about right? I am who I am, I like what I like, and I need to embrace how wonderful that is.

How about you? Do you like horror movies? Or try to like them because other people do?

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But the reality is: this season of life doesn’t leave much room for tidying. Between work, parenting, logistics, conversations, deadlines, dinner—there’s just not a lot of margin. And when a spare moment does appear, I’d honestly rather spend it reading.

Every now and then, I get a burst of motivation. I put things away, clear one or two of the surfaces, maybe even wipe them properly. It feels good. I think, “Maybe I am a tidy person deep down.” But then life does what life does, and the moment passes, and the clutter creeps back in. And I don’t always rush to fix it.

That’s the part that surprised me. I thought mess would really bother me. And sometimes it does, especially when I’m tired or stressed or trying to find the missing library books. But mostly… it doesn’t. I notice the mess. I just don’t always care enough to do something about it. Not right now. Not at the expense of rest, or connection, or a chapter that’s getting really good.

And maybe that tells me something. Maybe tidy just isn’t part of my identity—not in the deep, defining way I imagined it might be. I can admire neat spaces and efficient routines without building my self-worth around them. I can still be responsible, thoughtful, reliable. Just not especially tidy.

Maybe one day I’ll have more time. Maybe one day my house will reflect the version of me who folds washing straight away. But until then, I’m okay with this mess. It’s lived-in. It’s full of people and stories. And I can live with that.

How about you? Can you relax when your dresser looks like this?

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But the truth? I feel antsy AF. Like something is misfiring in my nervous system. Like I’m doing it wrong, even though I’m doing nothing at all.

Maybe because I’m doing nothing at all.

Let me pause here and acknowledge that yes, I should stop shoulding on myself. I know. I know.

But I’m in a spa pool (aka hot tub for those for whom spa means something else entirely, where you absolutely would not take a toddler) and all I can think about is how BAD and WRONG I feel in this moment of supposed serenity.

Why? Because I am not a human being, I am a human doing.

I’ve noticed this creeping into everything. I can’t just sit on the floor and play Lego with the kids—I’m either sorting the bricks by colour or trying to declutter the set while pretending we’re still “playing.” I can’t enjoy a cup of tea unless I’m simultaneously clearing my inbox or listening to a wellness podcast.

I even game my downtime. My 25 for 25 list includes TV, movies and books, not because I’m prioritising joy, but because otherwise I might not let myself do them. I need the permission of a list.

It’s not that I don’t love spending time with my kids—I really do. But after dinner, I’d rather knock out the dishes than play “dinosaurs” which involves running around in circles around the dining table (so cute, SO grateful). At netball, I volunteer to score the game so I can “be helpful,” but really it’s so I don’t have to sit still and just watch.

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I’m not sure what this is: anxiety, habit, late capitalism, executive dysfunction, gender role conditioning - perhaps all of the above? I guess at least with the dishes its somewhat rational knowing that they’re going to have to be done at some point, and if I wait until the kids are in bed I will either get less sleep or less chill time.

But I know this: the voice in my head that says “you’re only allowed to rest if you’ve earned it” is not particularly kind. Or true.

This morning I found a workaround: I told myself hydrotherapy massage plays an important role in my marathon training between workouts. My nervous system quieted just as my toddler decided it was time to get out. Maybe it would be better to start meditating and actually improve my ability to just be, but I think this will have to do for now.

How about you - does this resonate? Do you try and change it or just accept that’s how it is for now? How will this impact us when our children grow up and stop creating work for us?

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It has been nearly five years since I last drank alcohol. I stopped for real during Covid, but it had been a journey of stopping for quite some time.

I had hoped I could be a “light drinker” in perpetuity but becoming a light drinker temporarily only served to highlight how flipping awful I felt the next day when I’d had a glass of wine.

I wish this was the whole story. For a long time I just let people believe that it was a health choice and nothing more. Although, now that I think about it, maybe they didn’t buy that while I was mainlining sugary drinks and Doritos…

The real story is much more difficult to swallow. I’ve always had difficulties with alcohol. I took the mini fridge out of our caravan and made it a beer fridge when I was 15. I remember so many unspeakable things I did whilst drunk, and I know there are hundreds more that I don’t remember.

But for me, the most unspeakable is that sometime around 2019 I started driving my kids home from my friend’s place when I had been drinking. I would start with the intention to have just one drink, but it was never just one. We could have easily walked home, I probably could have even called my husband to pick us up, but it became normalised. Until one day I raised my head up and thought, what the fuck? That’s not who I am.

So now I am happily alcohol free, and I never have to think again about how many drinks are okay, and how many is too many, and that works really well for me.

I loved this book.

You know the drill: if it’s showing up here, it’s one I think is worth your time.

The Bookshop Sisterhood is a story of four best friends - Celeste, Yasmeen, Toni, and Leslie - who long ago made a pact to open a bookstore together, and are now on the cusp of making that dream real. But then… life happens.

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This book is made of the stuff of midlife: parenting a sick child, relationship challenges, family secrets, mental health issues and financial changes.

Each woman comes with her own story, flaws, and dreams and none are perfect. They argue, misunderstand, drift apart, and sometimes behave badly, but come back together in a way that feels honest and real.

The themes of identity run deep: what does it mean to pursue a dream you built with your best friends when life pulls you in a different direction? Who are you when a big part of your life is creating a persona rather than being a real person? There’s no villain here—just real people facing real choices.

Absolutely anything we pursue in life can bring us back to the fundamental questions of identity: who am I, and who do I want to be?

For me, a story like this always makes me wonder: is this the norm? Do most women have a sisterhood of ride-or-die besties that survives all these life changes?

Personally, I don’t have that. In my world, it feels like everyone is too busy to commit to a book club, too stretched to prioritise anything other than kids/work/home. Don’t get me wrong, I have some dear friends, but I don’t have a girl gang the way women in these books always seem to.

Maybe that’s why I am attracted to these stories: “who I want to be” is definitely someone with a girl gang. How about you? Do you have a gang of besties, friends here and there, or something else altogether?

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If you’d like to see how my results shaped up, pop over to this post

Big Five Personality Traits (a.k.a. the Five-Factor Model)

Why it’s respected: This is the gold standard in psychology. It measures five broad dimensions of personality: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism (OCEAN). This test doesn’t really give you a lot to work with in terms of how to use this information in your life though.

Take it here: https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/IPIP-BFFM/

Note: comments on the page suggest this one may not work well on a mobile phone browser.

MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator)

Why it’s popular: While not always backed by hard science, it’s widely used in career and team-building settings. It categorizes people into 16 personality types based on preferences in four areas (e.g., Introvert vs. Extravert). Although you can pay to unlock extra info, there is a lot of helpful stuff included for free.

Take the test here: https://www.16personalities.com

Enneagram

Why it’s interesting: The Enneagram explores core motivations, fears, and desires across 9 interconnected personality types. While more spiritual than scientific, many people find it eye-opening for self-awareness and relationships.

Take it here: https://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/test

DISC Personality Profile

This was the test that felt the most practical, designed not for introspection but for understanding how we work with others.

Why it’s used: Common in workplace and team development contexts, DISC identifies your dominant behavioral style (Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, Conscientiousness).

Take a free version here: https://www.123test.com/disc-personality-test/

Strengths Tests

Why it’s helpful: Instead of measuring personality in broad strokes, these tests identifies your top strengths—great for boosting confidence, team collaboration, and career direction.

This one is free but does require a registration.

https://high5test.com

Use personality tests as a mirror, not a box. They’re not destiny—they’re tools for reflection, insight, and growth. Take more than one and see how your results align or contrast. You might just learn something new about yourself.

Have a favorite test—or a wild result that surprised you? Leave a comment and let me know.

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Apparently, submerging your body in freezing water is trending, which is how I know it’s serious. It’s all over Instagram, sandwiched between “hot girl walks” and “beef tallow as anti-aging miracle.”

But don’t worry, I always fact check my Instagram pages, and even the scientists on the Zoe podcast agree that there’s solid evidence to support the benefits of cold-plunging, as well as the considerably more enticing sauna afterwards. Those Finnish folk really know what they’re doing.

So obviously, being the self-help sucker I am, I thought, great! Take my money!

Sadly for me, the sauna was not fired up on this rainy weekday morning, so we had to make do with trading places between a cold plunge and a gradually-getting-less-warm plunge.

As I sat there, skin screaming from the neck down, I really wished I hadn’t brought my husband. Having dragged him along with me, there was no way I could chicken out, leave early, or only go in up to my knees. And of course, being the competitive guy he is, it was all “who can stay in longer” “who can lie back and keep their nipples under” “put your hands in you cheater!”

And I thought, is this who I am?

Because not five minutes earlier, “who I am” was someone who keeps the heat pump on all day, who can’t watch tv without being under a blanket, and ….. But now, suddenly, I’m an Ice Bath Person?

This is what midlife does to you. It sneaks up on you while you’re packing school lunches and googling “how to hide veges in every dinner” and suddently BAM, you’re paying someone to torture you with cold water because the internet told you it could improve your mental health.

What I’m realising while I write this is that it’s not the cold plunging that’s part of my identity, it’s the “trying new things to improve myself.” Not because they always work. (Some do. Some just help keep my pockets empty.) But because I’m in that very specific season of life where I’m no longer 25 and winging it on youth and margaritas, and not yet 75 and full of wisdom and orthopedic sandals. I’m smack in the middle. The experimental zone.

I’m someone’s mother. I’m someone’s wife. I’m someone’s emergency contact. But I’m also still someone who wants to know who she is outside of those titles. And sometimes the path to self-knowledge goes through an ice bath.

So no, I don’t think I’m just a person who does cold plunges. I’m a person who hears about them, overthinks them, decides against them, signs up anyway, and then processes the entire experience via oversharing on the internet. That’s who I am.

And in a world of #wellness and “transform your life in 30 days” challenges, maybe that’s good enough.

(I’m pretty sure every book review I publish is going to start this way - I’m not about to share bad books with you!)

Women of Good Fortune was a cross between Ocean’s 8 and Sex in the City set in Shanghai. I really hope it gets made into a film.

Firstly, I love an ensemble cast. I will take 8 co-leads over one star any day. This book also has many other elements going for it: a heist, a wedding, a bad boy turned good, a wrong guy who might just turn out to be the perfect guy after all - it’s all here.

Underneath all that superficial rom-com stuff is a deep, deep reckoning with identity, autonomy, and the roles women are expected to play in societies shaped by patriarchy and tradition. It’s so much easier to see it when it’s not your own culture, but its just as applicable outside China.

What this book really boils down to is a feminist meditation on the costs of obedience, and the small rebellions women stage in their own lives: walking away from relationships that other people think we should be grateful for, unapologetically putting our career ambitions before domestic ones, refusing to pretend we aren’t aware of how our looks are measured and appraised at every step of our lives.

None of these women are even close to an archetypal feminist - their choices are always messy, incomplete, or compromised. But this novel doesn’t ask its characters to be perfect, and neither does feminism.

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Aside from gender, other elements of identity are woven throughout the book. How much of who we are is shaped by our parents’ expectations, by the city we’re born in, by how others see our beauty, education, or class?

What this book excels at is honing in on the tensions between who we are, who we want to be, and who the world expects us to be.

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As far as motherhood identity goes, pregnancy and delivery are pretty standard. Not ubiquitous, given the many paths there are to parenthood, but standard. Breastfeeding for this long has definitely been a choice. There have been a lot of privileges that enabled this choice:

• I am able bodied and healthy

• I have never had mastitis or any other complications of breastfeeding

• I grew up in a home where breastfeeding was normalised

• I was very well informed (my mum was a La Leche Leader but was also never preachy, thanks mum x)

• I have had the kind of work that enabled pumping breaks (if not facilities)

• My killer resting bitch face means that no one ever not even once has told me to put my boob away.

However, I didn’t have all the conditions you might expect to nurture extended nursing. My kids all started formal daycare somewhere between 5 and 11 months old. My second child was only 3 weeks old when I started working again because I had become a single parent.

And I’m not anti-formula: except for the first kid, they all had a bit of both. The last one on doctor’s orders because he absolutely plummeted down the growth chart from six weeks old (still completely unexplained but he seems fine?!?)

So yeah, I guess it’s something I prioritised, something that’s important to me. So that makes it part of my identity.

For how much longer? Well I guess the clock is ticking. Some weeks we go days without, other weeks he is very committed. My favourite thing about breastfeeding remains true: your child’s needs can be met without you having to get out of bed. And we all know every mum could do with more time in bed.

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Poor People With Money was gripping from the start. Monday Wooldridge is a young woman with real problems, but no self pity. She has jobs, but they don’t define her in the least. She is a big sister, and she is a fighter: in the both the literal and the figurative sense.

Monday wants to make things happen in her life, but she gets in over her head. I didn’t want to put this book down, I was so eager to find out what would be the next consequence of her ill thought-out plan.

The other thing I enjoyed about this book is that it is by a local author and set in places that are very familiar to me. It made me realise how much more often I read British or American literature than kiwi authors. I should definitely put some more on my ‘to read’ list - any recommendations?

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I listened to the audio version of this book, which was narrated by the (male) author. At times it was a little jarring, and I forgot the protagonist was a woman, but mostly it worked well - I think the author is the only person who can truly know exactly how a phrase is meant to be said. Although I suppose that’s the beauty of a paperback - you put your own voice in there too.

Audiobooks used to always be read by voice actors but that seems to have changed. I can remember Gretchen Rubin re-recording her book The Happiness Project after her podcast became successful because her voice was so familiar to her audience that they were shocked not to hear it in the audiobook. What do you think? Do you prefer to hear the author read it themselves, or listen to a more polished performance from a voice actor?

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Motherhood.

Midlife.

Matrescence.

Menstruation.

Mammaries.

Menopause, motherf**kers.

I remember very clearly the moment I learned that menopause doesn’t just mean ‘you bleed a little less each month until you’re done altogether’. That was a shock.

I arrived at work one morning to my lovely boss and mentor pushing her wheelie chair back from the bathroom to her office. She’d done the best she could but… it still looked like it had come from the Red Wedding. “Flooding,” she said, with a knowing look. She was a single mum, with a single daughter a bit younger than I was: they probably talked about everything. I just nodded wide-eyed, pretending that was something I knew about.

How many of us grew up in families where this kind of stuff was Not. Talked. About.?My mum had a hysterectomy and an early menopause when I was just a little kid and I gather she had a pretty tough time with it, but it’s not something we’ve ever actually talked about. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever actually asked another women how it’s been for her. I probably should.

Fortunately, it seems to have become less taboo to talk about menopause in recent years. Here in Aotearoa, in a very zeitgeist-y kind of way, two books came out in January 2022 after years of crickets.

Nicky Pellegrino’s Don’t Sweat It is a refreshing and candid guide to navigating menopause and perimenopause. With a warm and witty tone, Pellegrino combines personal anecdotes with expert interviews to demystify "the change" and empower women to make informed choices about their health.

Niki Bezzant’s This Changes Everything is like having a candid chat with a well-informed friend who’s done all the hard research on menopause so you don’t have to. She breaks down complex health information into relatable, jargon-free advice, covering everything from mood swings and hot flushes to relationships and workplace challenges.

It’s so great to know that the women coming up behind me have more opportunities to learn about perimenopause and menopause before they get there. But I had no idea how good it could be until I heard this podcast.

I beg of you: please, please go and listen to it before you keep reading. At least listen up to 16 minutes. The storytelling is incredible. Bonus points if you listen on public transport because you may pee yourself laughing.

Okay, you finished listening now? Tell me that wasn’t one of the best stories you have ever heard about menopause. I mean, it’s one thing for a beautiful, famous, rich person to say the word ‘menopause’ out loud, but to say the words ‘vaginal atrophy’ out loud makes her my effing hero.

There’s something so reassuring about hearing that even people with access to alllll the resources still muddle their way through these things the same as the rest of us. I mean, it’s truly awful that that happened to her, and worse still to think that it probably happens to thousands of other women every year, but so valuable that she is prepared to allow the rest of us to learn from her abject misfortune.

Berry now has a whole business focussed on women’s experiences of menopause. I haven’t looked into it much - I trust you’ll let me know in the comments if you think i shouldn’t be promoting it.

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An extremely reliable resource for science-backed menopause and perimenopause information is the Zoe podcast. They have a whole slew of different episodes providing informative and easy to digest content.

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It is amazing how much time I can find to read when I am reading a good book.

I found Book Lovers by Emily Henry on a Goodreads Challenge (I’m a sucker for a sticker chart) and it was a light read, but well written, and very engaging. While the premise of a book about a book agent pitching a book about a book agent was a bit inception-y, it worked.

I liked the way it portrayed its female characters, particularly the protagonist Nora. There was a lot of talk about her being too obsessed with her career to have a life. I don’t want to give away too much but in the end everyone decides that the way she wants to live her life is just fine - phew!

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I’m 100% certain that it makes me a Bad Feminist.

In my defence, I was 23 when I first got married. No one getting married for the first time wants to think about the possibility of divorce, especially not a 23 year old who knows deep down she really shouldn’t be getting married but if she doesn’t marry this guy who will she marry and how will she have her first baby at 27 if she still hasn’t met the guy she’ll have a baby with and if she doesn’t have a baby by the time she’s 27 then what even is the point of life?

Reader, you will not be surprised to learn that the marriage was not a particularly successful one (although I am quite chuffed with our two children) and I was single again before I was 30.

I hated the surname I grew up with, with a passion. When my sister-in-law took it on voluntarily I was appalled. I mean, it’s definitely not the worst (I would have definitely changed my name at 18 if it was Hore, Butts, or anything with Cock in it) but it wasn’t the best, and honestly, I think I just didn’t have much resilience as a kid and the teasing really got to me.

I know now that if you’re an easy mark, you’ll get teased no matter what your name is. Anyway, I couldn’t wait to change my name. And then we separated, and I didn’t want my old name back, and then I had another baby with my next partner, so now I couldn’t have the same name as all my kids, so I may as well not be carrying around my ex-husband’s name, but I still didn’t want my first name back, so I guess now I’ll check if the Gmail is available for what will become my third surname, and just like that I failed feminism.

And what have I learnt from this? Literally no one but you cares if you have the same surname as your kids. Not at school, not at swimming, not when you travel overseas.

If I could do it all over again? I don’t think I’d change anything. I still hate the name I grew up with. Did you change your name? Change it back? Change it to whatever you wanted?

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Footnote: Jesus H Christ at least I did not have to ask for permission from my ex-husband (or my current one for that matter) to change my name.

Ladyparts

Married women: now they're going after your right to vote

Back in 2017, I wrote an Op-Ed for The Washington Post about the humiliations and absurdity of having to acquire my ex-husband’s signed and notarized permission to reclaim my birth name in the middle of our extended divorce. If you, like me, cancelled your subscription to the…

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a year ago · 59 likes · 4 comments · Deborah Copaken