I don’t identify as a human being
Is this common?
This morning I was in the spa pool (so fortunate, I know) with my toddler. It’s a great way to keep him occupied and he is generally pretty happy and chill playing with his toys (so lucky). It’s a genuinely good setup: he’s occupied and off screens, I’m technically relaxing, and we’re together. I should be feeling grateful. I should be present. I should be soaking it all in.
But the truth? I feel antsy AF. Like something is misfiring in my nervous system. Like I’m doing it wrong, even though I’m doing nothing at all.
Maybe because I’m doing nothing at all.
Let me pause here and acknowledge that yes, I should stop shoulding on myself. I know. I know.
But I’m in a spa pool (aka hot tub for those for whom spa means something else entirely, where you absolutely would not take a toddler) and all I can think about is how BAD and WRONG I feel in this moment of supposed serenity.
Why? Because I am not a human being, I am a human doing.
I’ve noticed this creeping into everything. I can’t just sit on the floor and play Lego with the kids—I’m either sorting the bricks by colour or trying to declutter the set while pretending we’re still “playing.” I can’t enjoy a cup of tea unless I’m simultaneously clearing my inbox or listening to a wellness podcast.
I even game my downtime. My 25 for 25 list includes TV, movies and books, not because I’m prioritising joy, but because otherwise I might not let myself do them. I need the permission of a list.
It’s not that I don’t love spending time with my kids—I really do. But after dinner, I’d rather knock out the dishes than play “dinosaurs” which involves running around in circles around the dining table (so cute, SO grateful). At netball, I volunteer to score the game so I can “be helpful,” but really it’s so I don’t have to sit still and just watch.
I’m not sure what this is: anxiety, habit, late capitalism, executive dysfunction, gender role conditioning - perhaps all of the above? I guess at least with the dishes its somewhat rational knowing that they’re going to have to be done at some point, and if I wait until the kids are in bed I will either get less sleep or less chill time.
But I know this: the voice in my head that says “you’re only allowed to rest if you’ve earned it” is not particularly kind. Or true.
This morning I found a workaround: I told myself hydrotherapy massage plays an important role in my marathon training between workouts. My nervous system quieted just as my toddler decided it was time to get out. Maybe it would be better to start meditating and actually improve my ability to just be, but I think this will have to do for now.
How about you - does this resonate? Do you try and change it or just accept that’s how it is for now? How will this impact us when our children grow up and stop creating work for us?